You can never have too many teams can you ?
With a new team seeming to surface every few weeks it is no wonder that sometimes the internal lines of communication appear to be somewhat lacking in effectiveness.
Teams spotted so far include:
• Management Team
• Member Support Team
• Development Team
• Technical Team
• Rated Racing Team
• Stewards' Enquiries Team
• Promotions Team
• Accounting Team
• Legal Team
• Affiliate Team
• Risk Team
• Race Programming (ok, not strictly a team, more like a 'one multiple-personality band')
Teams that have not yet been spotted but it would be no surprise if they were to surface before too long:
• Auction Team
• Sales Ring Team
• Stakes Racing Team
• Challenge Racing Team
• Grade 2 Racing Team
• News Team
• Sponsorship Team
• TV Team
• Warnings & Bans Team
• Post Editting Team
• Post Deletion Team
• Thread Deletion Team
• Exchange Rate Team
• 9-Day Rotation Team
• Tea & Coffee Making Team
• New Teams Team
Teams that are highly unlikey to ever surface:
• Testing Team
• Sincere Apologies Team
• In-house Players Team
• Open & Clear Communications Team
• Site Logic Team
Just imagining if the staff were employed in a different environment
Q: "We got any Fisher-Price Rainforest Bouncers, code: 123/8205 ?? Got an order for one here."
S: "We're all out at the moment but we do have some Reebok Mini Trampolines, code: 203/6146, that's the same sort of thing innit ??"
Q: "Hey M - Trampoline, that's like a Rainforest Bouncer yeah ??"
M: "I'd say so, yeah. Probably even better as it has inbuilt room for growth. And it's cheaper and they've already paid for the other whatsit. Give it a whirl."
Q: "There you go, one bouncy thingummybob."
Customer: "Hey, that's not what I paid for!"
Q: "It's pretty close though, and it does contain room for growth."
Customer: "I'm not taking that, please check in the warehouse for me."
Q: "They don't want it, I tried the 'growth' thing but they're not falling for it."
S: "Let me have a look-see, there might be something else we can fob them off with."
M: "How's about a Black Table Top Heater, code: 543/4565 same price as the Bouncer thingy ??"
S: "That might be pushing it a bit."
E: "Maybe a Wing Airer, code: 058/0120 would suffice ??"
S: "Neat idea E, doesn't look that dissimilar and it's WAY cheaper so we make more of a profit."
Q: "Ah, sorry about the delay but we are currently experiencing some unscheduled outages of products in the warehouse due to some scheduled maintenance that is going on that we weren't told about. Anyway how's this, will that do - looks like it does a similar type of job to me??"
Customer: "Are you having a laugh ??"
Q: "Well, I am generally of a reasonably jovial disposition although I have to admit that losing my previous job a few days ago has put a bit of a dampener on things lately."
Customer: "Can I talk to a Manager please ??"
Q: "Err, I can pass a message to them for you."
Customer: "Please tell them that I have paid for a Fisher-Price Rainforest Bouncer and that is what I want or I want my money back !!"
Q: "Ok, I'll pass that on. Can you come back in a couple of days ??"
Customer: "Can you not talk to them now ??"
Q: "I'll see what I can do. We do thank you for your patience."
Q: "D, they want to talk to a Manager."
D: "Oh for God's sake. What's up ??"
Q: "The customer paid for a Fisher-Price Rainforest Bouncer, we don't got none so they want their money back."
D: "Oh, best ask B - sounds like a dodgy customer to me."
Q: "Ok, thanks Boss."
Q: "Hi B, I have a bit of a situation here. A customer paid for something, can't remember what it was now, but we don't have any and they are asking for there money back."
B: "I'm not here !!"
Q: "D, B's unavailable. So what should I tell them ??"
D: "Up to you mate. Try and hang it out, they might get bored and leave it. Make us a cup of tea first though will ya."
Q: "I'm afraid the Manager is currently not on the premises."
Customer: "Then I would like a refund please."
Q: "I'm afraid I'm not authorised to give refunds. I'll need to pass that to Management."
Customer: "But your colleague was authorised to take my payment !!"
Q: "But that's different, that goes in a different column in the accounts I think."
Customer: "So what do we do now because I demand my money back or the item I paid for."
Q: "Tell you what, leave it with me and pop back in a couple of days and I'll see what I can do."
Q: "Hey D, it's alright they've gone. I told 'em to leave it with me and come back in a couple of days."
D: "Good man, you'll go far. I'll talk to our technical department and see if they can bodge something to resemble a Rainforest Bouncer"
Suggested cast list:
B - Michael Barrington (the Governor from Porridge)
D - George Cole (Arthur Daley from Minder)
E - Graeme Garden from the Goodies
S - Mackenzie Crook (Gareth Keenan from The Office)
M - Roger Lloyd Pack (Trigger from Only Fools And Horses)
Q - Paul Henry (Benny Hawkins from Crossroads)
Customer - Kofi Annan
(The above skit is not intended to reflect any actual existing workplace or company, any similarity to any existing workplace or company is entirely coincidental and unintentional)
A lighthearted reaction to the debacle at the start of Season 20
3rd December 2007: 13:42
Today, a man in Johannesburg seen to be foaming at the mouth and grasping clumps of hair ran amok in a small international software company. The man, believed to be in his late twenties, was spotted at an upstairs window at 11:38 this morning gesticulating wildly and mouthing obscenities at something out of view. The police were called by a passerby and attended the scene at 11:53. After ten minutes of attempting to gain access via the intercom system shots were heard and the police immediately forced entry.
On arrival at the second floor of the office complex the police were met by a scene of utter devastation. One officer was quoted as saying "I've never seen anything like it. There were bodies everywhere and the smell of gunshot residue was almost overwhelming".
Thus far, fourteen bodies have been discovered, one of which is believed to be the assailant who would appear to have finally turned the gun on himself whilst sitting at a what is understood to have been a Customer Support station. A Hechler & Koch HK45C handgun was recovered at the scene along with 73 rounds of ammunition.
Whilst the identity of the assailant is currently still being withheld it is believed that he may have been a disgruntled employee. Police have released that the suspected assailant had a ticket to Zanzibar on his person and have requested that anyone with any further information to please come forward.
Further updates when we know more.....
3rd December 2007: 15:56
Police have just revealed further details with regards todays earlier incident which took place in Johannesburg.
Apparently the Chief Coronor has fully identified that the perpetrator of this mornings massacre at an international Software company in South Africa was not in fact a member of the Customer Support area, as was first thought, but was in fact a chimpanzee that had been masquerading as CEO of the company involved for the past six years.
It is believed that this sudden onslaught was brought about when the CEO learned that a member of Customer Support had been given a free trip to Zanzibar as a reward for his perseverance in attempting to communicate to customers over a company error which occured in the small hours of Saturday morning, 1st December. According to our sources this was a serious breach of company policy which states quite clearly that a strict silence should be maintained in cases of errors such as this.
Our sources inform us that company policy has been firmly put back in place.
We are sorry to report that no technicians were included in the fatalities.